Fic: For Reasons Unknown Part 3
Feb. 16th, 2012 11:44 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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hpkinkfestTitle: For Reasons Unknown
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
secretlypadfoot
Prompt Number: #246 submitted bycarolinelamb
Kink Showcased: Amnesia (Yes, you read that right.)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Sirius Black/Severus Snape
Summary: AU/Post-war: Sirius returns from The Veil without any memories of his former self and is forced to spend time with Severus Snape. Of course, it’s only natural that things get complicated.
Content Notes/Warnings: None. Sorry. :/
Word Count: 18,143
Author's Notes: This prompt got away from me and turned into this monster fic when I wasn’t looking. Many thanks go to my spouse for being there for me, despite her great dislike for this pairing. (She’s crazy!) And large buckets full of love and thanks tokjmom1 for being my cheerleader. Without her this story would never have gotten finished. Last, but certainly not least, thanks goes to 13alias31 for being a wonderful beta and taking on this monster of a fic so last minute. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
He was standing in front of a greasy haired boy who knelt on the ground in front him; his face was red with embracement. He was laughing at the boy and next to him, so did his friends. He pointed his wand at the boy and with a spell caused the boy’s tongue to enlarge and fall from his mouth. Laughing, they ran from the poor boy before they could get in trouble.
And then he was flying in the air, his hair blowing this way and that. The broomstick was sturdy beneath him, keeping him in the sky. He laughed as he chased after the broomstick in front of him, two more behind him. They flew to a tree and then they landed on the ground. A boy with black, unruly hair and glasses came and patted him on the back. Harry, he thought, but no, the eyes were different.
James, his mind supplied. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with grief that seemed to come out of nowhere. He grabbed James by the shoulders and pulled him into a strong embrace.
James pulled back smiling at him. He ruffled his hair and took off for the tree, Remus and Peter right behind him. The tree moved, swinging its branches and trying to hit them. They made a game of it, dodging the branches and laughing. He joined them and then it was dark. Remus ran into the tree and down a hole, and they all followed.
They were in a room and James and Peter changed their forms. He did too. Now he was a dog and they watched as Remus changed as well and let out a howl. They left the tree and ran for the forest. They chased one another, weaving in and out of the trees, if he could laugh he would. Instead, he barked.
But then he couldn’t see them. They had run off too far ahead, leaving him behind. He tried to run faster, but they were gone. He ran, and ran, a feeling of despair filling him and surging him forward. He came to a clearing in the woods and stopped, turning back into a human.
He wasn’t in the woods anymore, and Peter was there in front of him. He was screaming at him, but he didn’t know what he was saying. There was a big flash and he was thrown backwards. Then he was laughing.
Suddenly he was cold, and filled with a strong sense of hopelessness. He didn’t know where he was. It was dark, wet and cold. He felt like he deserved to be there. It was his fault that James and Lily were dead. He had been so stupid.
With a gasp, Sirius woke up. He was in a cold sweat, the blankets tangled around his legs with a grasp like a devil’s snare. It had all been a dream, and as he tried to think about it, possibly find it’s meaning, he found his dream quickly leaving his grasps and out of reach of his memory.
It wasn’t unusual for him to wake up from dreams he couldn’t remember. It had become a regular occurrence in the last week or two. Still, he found himself, lying in his bed trying to remember.
James and Lily. Remus, Peter… The names were familiar but he could not for the life of him, remember who they were. The dream was gone now, and with some annoyance at himself, Sirius untangled himself from the blankets and climbed out of bed.
He had just finished getting dressed when there was a knock on his door. He knew immediately it was Harry, coming to check on him and tell him breakfast was ready. He opened the door and gave the man a smile.
“Morning, Sirius.” Harry smiled back. “How did you sleep?”
“Great,” Sirius lied. “I had the best dreams.”
“That’s great. Breakfast is ready in the kitchen and Severus should be arriving shortly.”
“Thanks, Harry,” he replied. “I just want to go to the bathroom and I’ll be down in a minute.”
Harry nodded and headed down the stairs and after relieving his bladder, Sirius headed into the kitchen. Shortly after finishing his breakfast, Severus arrived and Harry took his leave, leaving the two men alone.
Sirius allowed Severus to lead him to the library today, even going so far as to let Severus sit down at the small table. Often, more than not, Sirius could hardly wait to get his hands on Severus. Some days after Harry had left, Sirius would grab Severus and kiss him there in the hallway, and then they’d stumble up the stairs to his room where they’d fall into bed together, tearing away clothes and fucking. On days where Severus arrived before Sirius had finished his breakfast, he would find the man waiting in the library. He would climb into Severus’ lap, and they’d snog before making their way up to the bedroom.
After a nice morning shag, they’d go back down to the library and Sirius would practice some magic, and if he wasn’t too tired, he could coax Severus into another round. Today, however, Sirius felt like drawing the game out. He was still rather uneasy from the dream he couldn’t remember, and he knew if anyone could make him feel better, it was Severus.
He climbed into Severus’ lap, his legs on either side of the man, and Severus let him, even with the annoyed look in his eyes.
“I thought we were actually going to manage to get some practice done this morning, but it seems you’re as randy as always, Black.”
Sirius smiled at Severus, who never ceased to amuse him with his sarcastic humor. He ran his hands up Severus’ arms and to his shoulders. “Oh, don’t make it sound like it’s a chore.” He said, leaning forward to nip playfully at Severus’ ear.
“Everything is a chore with you,” Severus replied, his hands coming to rest on Sirius’ hips.
He chuckled and sat back, sure to rock his hips a bit against Severus. “Did you dream about me last night?” He asked.
Severus raised an eyebrow, probably wondering just how Sirius’ thought process worked. Sirius wasn’t even sure why he had asked the question. What was the point of conversing about dreams when he couldn’t remember his own?
“I don’t remember my dream from last night.”
“Me either,” Sirius sighed. “I can’t remember anything. This amnesia thing is just fucking up with everything.”
The twitch of Severus’ cock against him, even through the layer of clothing, did not escape his notice.
“Severus,” Sirius continued before the man could say anything. “What was our favorite sex position?”
“What?” Severus asked, startled by the sudden change in conversation.
“Our favorite position, what was it? I want you to remind me.” He leaned in and kissed Severus softly on the lips, smirking to himself as he felt Severus’ prick harden.
“Not here,” Severus said his breath hot on Sirius’ face.
“Bedroom,” he agreed, getting to his feet.
Once the bedroom door was closed behind them and locked, Severus pulled Sirius into a kiss, which he could only eagerly comply to. The kiss quickly became heated and clothes were quickly being shed as they stumbled back onto the bed.
Severus demanded they roll over so that he was on top, and Sirius let him, even though it was usually the other way around. He wasn’t sure what to expect, since he was still fairly new to the sex thing, despite them having already done it a couple dozen times. Maybe today Severus would fuck him, even though that really didn’t answer his question about favorite position.
But then Severus was straddling him, rutting his ass against Sirius’ hardening prick. A new position after all.
Sirius fumbled around for his wand, and once in his hand used it to fill his other hand with lube, having perfected the spell days ago. He made quick work of prepping Severus, spreading him open, getting him ready for his cock.
Severus moaned from above him, rocking his hips back on Sirius’ fingers. He leaned down and claimed Sirius’ lips and he melted.
He loved Severus’ kisses, and found them to be one of the most arousing things, ever. They were always so strong and dominating, their tongues would tangle and Severus would nibble on his lips. Severus’ kisses were never a slobbering mess, not like the kisses he had received from Mary Taldwin back in his third year at Hogwarts.
He blinked, the sudden thought taking him by surprise. Was that a memory? But then Severus was pulling off his fingers and searching for his cock to take their place. He groaned as Severus lowered himself on Sirius’ cock, and Severus groaned as well. He was so deep, and Severus was so tight. It felt incredible, better then any girl he had fucked.
His breath caught in his chest, unsure what exactly was happening. He looked to Severus, trying to gain some bearings.
Severus had his eyes closed as he rocked back on Sirius’ prick, his hand stroking his own aching cock.
Images of a much younger Severus flashed before his mind. Memory after memory hit him, like a ton of bricks. There was Severus glaring at James and him, James and him throwing jinxes at Severus as he walked in the hall, and pulling pranks, just to get a good laugh.
And it didn’t stop there. He remembered James and Lily, sacrificing their lives for Harry, the war, the pain of Azkaban and the years he spent there, Remus, oh god, Remus. His heart ached at the loss he hadn’t felt before. The battle in the Department of Mysteries, his evil cousin Bellatrix, he remembered dying. He remembered everything.
His face felt wet and he wiped at his cheek finding tears. He was crying. Sirius looked at Severus who was none the wiser. Oh God, what the fuck was he doing?!
“Get off me!” He screamed pushing Severus off of him, the man taken off guard falling over.
“Black, what the bloody hell—”
Sirius got to his feet, running a hand through his hair. What the fuck? Snape?! Snape had used him. He had tricked him. Snape had said they were lovers and he had believed him. He had been so gullible. He had thought he was in love with the man!
“You!” Sirius barked pointing an angry finger at Snape. “You! I can’t even—You…”
Snape stared, shocked at Sirius’ outburst and the sudden change in him. “Black, what are you talking about?”
“I remember!” Sirius screamed. “I remember everything! And you! You tricked me, you sick bastard! You—you made me gay!”
He searched for his wand, spotting on the bed and making a grab for it, but Snape was faster. He pointed it at Sirius.
“I did no such thing.”
“Bollocks! You tricked me, why else would I…?” He waved his arm between the two of them. God, he had been such a fucking fool!
Something flashed in Snape’s eyes, but was gone before Sirius could place it. He got up off the bed and began to gather his clothes.
“What are you doing?” Sirius snapped.
“I’m leaving,” Snape replied. “Since it is obvious that my services are no longer needed.”
“Oh you’re not going anywhere! Explain to me why you did this!”
Snape stood up after he picked up his trousers. He looked at Sirius, and schooled his features into place.
“You’re right, I tricked you.” He said. “I used you for my own pleasure and was ready to toss you aside when you got your memory back.”
Something about Snape’s words didn’t seem right. They were off, and Sirius found them hard to believe.
“You’re lying.” He growled.
Snape let out a short, hard laugh. “Honestly, Black? Do you think I would have any other motive other than to make a fool of you?”
Sirius swallowed the words stinging more than they should. It was then he knew he was in trouble. He was in love with Severus fucking Snape.
“Get out,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. “Get out!”
Snape stared for a moment before he quickly gathered the rest of his clothes, and quickly pulled them on. He tossed the wand onto the bed and left without another word.
Sirius tried to calm himself down, but only made himself angrier. How could he have been so damn gullible? How had he allowed himself to fall in love with Snape?
He snatched the wand off the bed and pointed it at it, casting an expulso, causing bed springs and stuffing to fly everywhere covering the room. It didn’t make him feel any better. He then set the spell to everything in site.
He spent the rest of the day locked up in his room, lost in his thoughts. At some point he had gotten dressed and sat down on the floor at the end of his bed. This was where Harry found him hours later.
“Sirius?” Harry knocked on the door and slowly opened it. He frowned when he saw the large mess in the room. “What happened in here? Where’s Severus?”
“Gone,” Sirius said bitterly.
“He just left you here alone?!” Harry asked appalled.
“Oh stop it,” Sirius snapped, and almost regretted it, he shouldn’t be taking out his anger and hurt on Harry.
“Sirius, what’s wrong?”
Sirius glared at the floor. “I got my memory back, Harry.”
“What? Really? But, Sirius that’s great news!” Harry sounded so ecstatic. Sirius wanted to send a nasty jinx his way.
“Fantastic,” he replied bitterly instead.
“Sirius? Sirius, why aren’t you happy?” Harry asked.
The question reminded him of Snape. How they had kissed, how they had touched. How Snape had made him feel. He wondered if he should tell Harry. Harry had been quite protective of him, he wondered if he still would be.
“Snape played me, Harry.” Sirius turned to Harry, surprised by how much hurt came out in his voice.
“He what?” Harry asked.
“Played me. He tricked me, Harry.” Sirius had to look away. “He had told me we had been lovers, and like a fool I believed him.”
“He told you what!?” Harry cried out angrily.
Sirius continued. “You shouldn’t have left me alone with him Harry. I always told you never to trust him.”
Harry was seething with anger. He pulled out his wand. “I’m going to kill him.”
Sirius got to his feet. “No, no you’re not. If anyone has the right to kill him, it’d be me.”
“He hurt you Sirius!”
Was it really that obvious? “I’m not hurt, Harry.” Sirius lied, he could tell Harry didn’t believe him. “Don’t worry about me, Harry. I’ll be fine. I can take care of myself now.”
“Sirius, I’m so sorry,” Harry said, crossing the distance to hug Sirius. “I should have allowed you to be more independent.”
Yes, Sirius agreed, but kept his response to himself.
That night, Sirius had to sleep in one of the extra rooms. He laid there in bed, unable to stop thinking long enough to sleep. He was still beyond angry with Snape. But at the same time, he was still regrettably in love with the man. The way he had reacted probably hadn’t been the best way to handle things. But action first, questions later had always been his course of action.
He couldn’t stop thinking about how Snape had reacted himself. He had looked hurt, despite trying to school his features; Sirius had seen it first hand. He couldn’t help but wonder what Snape really felt. Maybe he really had done all of this as a revenge towards Sirius, and in the process, had fallen in deep.
Sirius snorted. No, not Snape, he was still the greasy bastard that he had always known.
Only he wasn’t. The time Sirius had spent with Snape had allowed him to get to know the man. He had respected Snape because Snape had given him respect in return. He was the only one who would answer Sirius’ questions, even if he had lied; he was still willing to do it.
He had also made Sirius laugh, smile, and god, had he turned Sirius on something fierce. Despite everything, Sirius knew he still wanted Snape. He thought about how Snape had responded to him, how eager he had been and how horny he would get when Sirius had played the innocent virgin.
He smiled despite himself, but it quickly turned to a frown. He had fucked things up. But he wanted Snape.
He finally managed to fall asleep, his mind made up. He would get what he wanted.
~*~
Severus paced in his room at the Leaky Cauldron, crossing back and forth the small room, as he tried to escape his thoughts with little luck.
He crossed the room again, and with a sigh, he sat down in the old rickety chair against the wall. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward to hide his face in his shame. His stomach was heavy, and he felt nauseous. He wished it was possible to just vomit up all his mistakes.
He had fled out of Grimmauld Place as quickly as he could, leaving Black there angry and obviously hurt. He had returned to his room at the Leaky Cauldron and hadn’t left the room since. He hadn’t slept or eaten, neither one of the ideas appealing to him.
He had been so incredibly naive. It had been one thing to think that he could toy with Black’s heart, to pull at his strings and see just how far he could push it with the man. But for him to believe that he could do all of that and come out completely unscathed was ludicrous.
He knew he had fallen for Black weeks ago, and he knew he should have put a stop to it the moment he realized he was in too deep. He knew Black would eventually get his memory back and recognize Severus, and then everything would just fall apart. But for reasons unknown, he had just held onto the hope that it would have happened much, much later.
And loathe as he was to admit it, he had tricked himself into thinking, hoping, that when Black got his memory back, that nothing would change. Black wouldn’t get angry, and instead would keep that same psychological mentality, so eager for Severus’ direction, so willing to believe everything Severus said.
He felt he had tricked himself more than he had tricked Black.
He should never have agreed to this for Potter. And when his petty revenge for Black had backfired, he shouldn’t have pushed it to see how far he could take it. He should have known, from the first time Black looked at him with such trust in his eyes, that this would go belly up.
He'd always belonged to anyone who dared put their trust in him. First there had been Lily, then there had been the Dark Lord, and when that had resulted in the loss of a friend he had finally gone to Albus. And, now, it seemed, he'd done the same with Black. But, the difference this time was that his heart had been on the line.
Severus scoffed, rather bitterly. Since when did his heart dictate his actions? He thought of Black's eyes, so dark with lust, and he knew. It was the moment he'd taken the man to bed the first time. That was when it had all fallen apart. The sex was... well, it was nice, more than nice, even. But, no, it was the way Black had looked at him.
Black had had no idea what they'd been through. He hadn’t known that Severus was a cantankerous old bastard. Here was this man who'd made his life a living hell when they where in school, but suddenly he was different, and had no reason to hate Severus. And Severus had taken that all in, enjoying the companionship, enjoying the trust.
He had told himself it had all been about the sex, but he knew better now. Falling in love, that's what they'd been doing. He'd fallen for Sirius Black.
He thought about the way Black had reacted when his memories had returned. There had been anger, anger so hot it burned. But, at the same time, and maybe more prominent, there had been hurt raging through the other man. He had been hurting too, but he had gotten himself out of there before Black could notice
And now he was here, unable to stop thinking about the other man. His stomach was still so heavy and he still felt nauseous. He had to get over himself, because he knew there would never be a happy ending for him. There had never been a happy ending for him, and he had been a fool to think he could find one with Black.
Severus shook his head, and sat up in his chair. No, he didn’t deserve happiness. He had been telling himself that for years. And this act only verified the truth of it, he had sunken to Black’s level, getting revenge on a man that couldn’t understand what was really going on. This pain, this sickening heartbreak was what he deserved for tricking a man he loathed into loving him.
He had forgotten his place in this world, after all of Harry’s misdirected godly worship; he had begun to forget where he belonged. He took a look around the dingy musty room, this is where he belonged, and even this was too good for him. He should have it worse. He never should have agreed to be Black's caretaker. He never should have sought revenge. Worse, he should have realized his plan was failing.
He was a failure, plain and simple. He couldn't succeed in humiliating Black, and he hadn't succeeded in holding on to him. But, probably what aggravated him the most, was the fact that he still wanted the man. Even now, alone in his dark, drab room, knowing any chance they may have had was long gone, he still ached for Black. Severus knew he was a fool, but he'd never felt so accepted before. Black had, in only a short time, wormed his way into Severus' life, and now, Severus wasn't sure how he'd survive without the man.
It was odd, that one of the boys who'd caused him to feel like an outcast had been the first person to make him feel needed, wanted, and desired.
Severus shook his head. He had to stop thinking like this. He had to get over himself. Severus got to his feet, and headed for the small bathroom. Perhaps a shower would help him take his mind off things.
He started the water running and stripped out of his clothes. He checked the water temperature before stepping under the hot spray that lacked proper water pressure. Severus closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. Still, he was unable to get Black from his mind, and he doubted he’d ever be able to.
Severus soaked his hair and took the bottle of cheap shampoo and massaged it into his scalp, his eyes closing. His mind drifted back to the time Black and he had ended up in the shower together after a good round of sex. Black had insisted that they should clean themselves the natural way, and they had the time, so Severus had allowed Black to drag him to the bathroom.
‘Did we shower together often?’ Black had asked as he took a bar of soap and washed himself. ‘Did we ever fuck in the shower? Or were we strictly sex in bed only kind of people?’
Severus felt himself get hard at the memory, just as he had on that day in the shower with Black.
‘Oh?’ Black had smirked. ‘You like the idea of fucking in the shower, Severus? Want to remind me how we did it?’
Severus leaned his head back to allow the water to wash out the shampoo, one hand sliding down his sudsy chest and finding his cock erect. He slowly stroked up the length as he remembered taking the soap from Black’s hand and dropping it to the shower floor before taking his mouth in a kiss.
His hand on his cock picked up pace. He had kissed Black and then had abruptly turned around leaning against the shower wall, his ass pressed out to Black for the taking. He had moaned as Black ran his hands along the curve of his arse, still so open from their fucking only minutes ago.
‘Is this how we did it in the shower?’ Black had asked. ‘You, like this, bent over for my cock?’
Severus moaned as he pulled at his cock, pre-come forming at the tip and then washed away by the spray of the water.
‘Did I just stick it in without any lube? How did we do this Severus, remind me.’
Severus bit his lip, holding back the grunt that wanted to escape. He remembered how Black had shoved his cock in, the water creating a hard friction that Severus had marveled in. Black had seemed to love it too and it wasn’t long before Black had cried out, coming in Severus’ arse for a second time that day.
‘That was fantastic, Severus. I wish I could remember all the other times…’
Severus threw his head back and let out a low moan escape him as he the memory of Black’s words sent him over the edge. And the low pressure of the water eventually washed it away.
Fuck, what had he just done? He shut the water off, not caring that he hadn’t quite finished his shower, and stepped out. He grabbed a towel and quickly dried himself off.
He shouldn’t still be thinking about Black like that. It was over between them, and the sooner he accepted that, the sooner he could get Black out of his mind and go on with his life. Without wanking.
He went back into the room, finding some fresh clothes and pulling them on. He had just finished buttoning his shirt and was pulling on some robes when there was a knock at his door.
He glared and crossed the room, ready to tell room service to get out of his sight and not disturb him. But he stopped short when he opened the door.
Black stood there, looking uncertain. He tried to smile, but it didn’t look right.
“Black,” Severus couldn’t quite believe it. “What are you doing here?”
“I made Harry tell me where you were staying.” Black explained. “Can I come in?”
For a moment, he thought he’d say no, sure Black would just hex him for what he had done and then leave. But he was still a fool. Severus stepped aside, to allow Black entrance.
Black came into the room and Severus closed the door behind him. They turned to face one another, neither one speaking.
“Look,” Black said finally breaking the silence. “I’m still pissed at you, and I still want to hex you into hell.”
Severus raised an eyebrow, watching to see if Black would go for his wand.
“But… But I don’t know. You did something. And now I can’t stop thinking about how I should hate you, but I don’t.”
Severus was shocked, and almost hopeful. Was Black saying what he thought he was saying?
“And, well,” Black rolled his eyes. “Maybe I over reacted a bit.”
A perfect Gryffindor apology, Severus observed.
“But it was really hard, Sever—Snape.” Black corrected himself. “All these memories came rushing back, and I was so overwhelmed.”
He looked at Severus expectantly, waiting.
Severus took a deep breath. “It’s over Black; you’ve got your memory back.” He said bitterly, not daring to hope. “There’s no need for this.”
Black looked at him, and Severus couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Without warning, Black crossed the distance between them and got dangerously close to Severus’ face.
“You liked it, didn’t you?”
“Liked what?” Severus asked, more breathless than he should be.
“You liked that I couldn’t remember.” It came out more as a question.
“I assure you, Black I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Severus said, but his heart was racing in his chest. He told himself it was because Black was so close.
“You did.” Black confirmed. “You loved that I couldn’t remember. But it was more than just having a laugh about it behind my back, wasn’t it?”
The corner of Black’s lip turned up into a devilish smirk. “You got off on it, Severus.”
Severus swallowed. He was nervous, but he wasn’t going to show Black that.
“You loved how I couldn’t remember. And you got off on it. You would get so turned on every time I’d ask a question about our past nonexistent sex life.”
“I did not.” Severus snapped, but it lacked any venom.
Black just shook his head, laughing. “Oh you so did. You have some weird amnesia kink and get off fucking someone without a memory.”
Black was suddenly out of Severus’ face and crossing the room. “By no means will we have a perfect relationship, Severus.” He said. “But fuck it all if I’m not going to try.”
Severus couldn’t believe it. No way was Black actually willing to… No, it was impossible. He tried to think of how to reply, but Black made that unnecessary.
The man crossed the room and stopped in front of Severus. He looked at Severus confused, but there was that evil glint in his eye that Severus knew only ever ment trouble.
“Excuse me, Sir.” Black said. “I fell and hit my head, and now I don’t know where I am. Can you help me?”
Severus quickly became confused himself.
For a moment, Black lost character, but quickly regained it. “And sir, do you think you could help me with this?” He pointed to his crotch, and when Severus looked down he was surprised to see it was beginning to tent.
“You see, it hurts something awful, but I don’t know what to do about it. Since I lost my memory and everything.”
Blood rushed to Severus’ groin as he picked up on Black’s game. Overwhelmed with lust, he grabbed the front of Black’s robes and pulled him to a kiss.
Black’s arms wrapped around Severus’ neck and they pulled one another closer. Severus’ hardening cock was pressing against Black’s thigh, and in return he could feel the man’s own hard cock pressing against his.
They pulled apart both breathless.
Black smirked, “Oh you most definitely have an amnesia kink.” He whispered smugly.
“Shut up, Black.” Severus growled silencing him with another kiss.
Author:
secretlypadfootPrompt Number: #246 submitted by
carolinelambKink Showcased: Amnesia (Yes, you read that right.)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Sirius Black/Severus Snape
Summary: AU/Post-war: Sirius returns from The Veil without any memories of his former self and is forced to spend time with Severus Snape. Of course, it’s only natural that things get complicated.
Content Notes/Warnings: None. Sorry. :/
Word Count: 18,143
Author's Notes: This prompt got away from me and turned into this monster fic when I wasn’t looking. Many thanks go to my spouse for being there for me, despite her great dislike for this pairing. (She’s crazy!) And large buckets full of love and thanks to
kjmom1 for being my cheerleader. Without her this story would never have gotten finished. Last, but certainly not least, thanks goes to 13alias31 for being a wonderful beta and taking on this monster of a fic so last minute. Any remaining mistakes are my own. He was standing in front of a greasy haired boy who knelt on the ground in front him; his face was red with embracement. He was laughing at the boy and next to him, so did his friends. He pointed his wand at the boy and with a spell caused the boy’s tongue to enlarge and fall from his mouth. Laughing, they ran from the poor boy before they could get in trouble.
And then he was flying in the air, his hair blowing this way and that. The broomstick was sturdy beneath him, keeping him in the sky. He laughed as he chased after the broomstick in front of him, two more behind him. They flew to a tree and then they landed on the ground. A boy with black, unruly hair and glasses came and patted him on the back. Harry, he thought, but no, the eyes were different.
James, his mind supplied. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with grief that seemed to come out of nowhere. He grabbed James by the shoulders and pulled him into a strong embrace.
James pulled back smiling at him. He ruffled his hair and took off for the tree, Remus and Peter right behind him. The tree moved, swinging its branches and trying to hit them. They made a game of it, dodging the branches and laughing. He joined them and then it was dark. Remus ran into the tree and down a hole, and they all followed.
They were in a room and James and Peter changed their forms. He did too. Now he was a dog and they watched as Remus changed as well and let out a howl. They left the tree and ran for the forest. They chased one another, weaving in and out of the trees, if he could laugh he would. Instead, he barked.
But then he couldn’t see them. They had run off too far ahead, leaving him behind. He tried to run faster, but they were gone. He ran, and ran, a feeling of despair filling him and surging him forward. He came to a clearing in the woods and stopped, turning back into a human.
He wasn’t in the woods anymore, and Peter was there in front of him. He was screaming at him, but he didn’t know what he was saying. There was a big flash and he was thrown backwards. Then he was laughing.
Suddenly he was cold, and filled with a strong sense of hopelessness. He didn’t know where he was. It was dark, wet and cold. He felt like he deserved to be there. It was his fault that James and Lily were dead. He had been so stupid.
With a gasp, Sirius woke up. He was in a cold sweat, the blankets tangled around his legs with a grasp like a devil’s snare. It had all been a dream, and as he tried to think about it, possibly find it’s meaning, he found his dream quickly leaving his grasps and out of reach of his memory.
It wasn’t unusual for him to wake up from dreams he couldn’t remember. It had become a regular occurrence in the last week or two. Still, he found himself, lying in his bed trying to remember.
James and Lily. Remus, Peter… The names were familiar but he could not for the life of him, remember who they were. The dream was gone now, and with some annoyance at himself, Sirius untangled himself from the blankets and climbed out of bed.
He had just finished getting dressed when there was a knock on his door. He knew immediately it was Harry, coming to check on him and tell him breakfast was ready. He opened the door and gave the man a smile.
“Morning, Sirius.” Harry smiled back. “How did you sleep?”
“Great,” Sirius lied. “I had the best dreams.”
“That’s great. Breakfast is ready in the kitchen and Severus should be arriving shortly.”
“Thanks, Harry,” he replied. “I just want to go to the bathroom and I’ll be down in a minute.”
Harry nodded and headed down the stairs and after relieving his bladder, Sirius headed into the kitchen. Shortly after finishing his breakfast, Severus arrived and Harry took his leave, leaving the two men alone.
Sirius allowed Severus to lead him to the library today, even going so far as to let Severus sit down at the small table. Often, more than not, Sirius could hardly wait to get his hands on Severus. Some days after Harry had left, Sirius would grab Severus and kiss him there in the hallway, and then they’d stumble up the stairs to his room where they’d fall into bed together, tearing away clothes and fucking. On days where Severus arrived before Sirius had finished his breakfast, he would find the man waiting in the library. He would climb into Severus’ lap, and they’d snog before making their way up to the bedroom.
After a nice morning shag, they’d go back down to the library and Sirius would practice some magic, and if he wasn’t too tired, he could coax Severus into another round. Today, however, Sirius felt like drawing the game out. He was still rather uneasy from the dream he couldn’t remember, and he knew if anyone could make him feel better, it was Severus.
He climbed into Severus’ lap, his legs on either side of the man, and Severus let him, even with the annoyed look in his eyes.
“I thought we were actually going to manage to get some practice done this morning, but it seems you’re as randy as always, Black.”
Sirius smiled at Severus, who never ceased to amuse him with his sarcastic humor. He ran his hands up Severus’ arms and to his shoulders. “Oh, don’t make it sound like it’s a chore.” He said, leaning forward to nip playfully at Severus’ ear.
“Everything is a chore with you,” Severus replied, his hands coming to rest on Sirius’ hips.
He chuckled and sat back, sure to rock his hips a bit against Severus. “Did you dream about me last night?” He asked.
Severus raised an eyebrow, probably wondering just how Sirius’ thought process worked. Sirius wasn’t even sure why he had asked the question. What was the point of conversing about dreams when he couldn’t remember his own?
“I don’t remember my dream from last night.”
“Me either,” Sirius sighed. “I can’t remember anything. This amnesia thing is just fucking up with everything.”
The twitch of Severus’ cock against him, even through the layer of clothing, did not escape his notice.
“Severus,” Sirius continued before the man could say anything. “What was our favorite sex position?”
“What?” Severus asked, startled by the sudden change in conversation.
“Our favorite position, what was it? I want you to remind me.” He leaned in and kissed Severus softly on the lips, smirking to himself as he felt Severus’ prick harden.
“Not here,” Severus said his breath hot on Sirius’ face.
“Bedroom,” he agreed, getting to his feet.
Once the bedroom door was closed behind them and locked, Severus pulled Sirius into a kiss, which he could only eagerly comply to. The kiss quickly became heated and clothes were quickly being shed as they stumbled back onto the bed.
Severus demanded they roll over so that he was on top, and Sirius let him, even though it was usually the other way around. He wasn’t sure what to expect, since he was still fairly new to the sex thing, despite them having already done it a couple dozen times. Maybe today Severus would fuck him, even though that really didn’t answer his question about favorite position.
But then Severus was straddling him, rutting his ass against Sirius’ hardening prick. A new position after all.
Sirius fumbled around for his wand, and once in his hand used it to fill his other hand with lube, having perfected the spell days ago. He made quick work of prepping Severus, spreading him open, getting him ready for his cock.
Severus moaned from above him, rocking his hips back on Sirius’ fingers. He leaned down and claimed Sirius’ lips and he melted.
He loved Severus’ kisses, and found them to be one of the most arousing things, ever. They were always so strong and dominating, their tongues would tangle and Severus would nibble on his lips. Severus’ kisses were never a slobbering mess, not like the kisses he had received from Mary Taldwin back in his third year at Hogwarts.
He blinked, the sudden thought taking him by surprise. Was that a memory? But then Severus was pulling off his fingers and searching for his cock to take their place. He groaned as Severus lowered himself on Sirius’ cock, and Severus groaned as well. He was so deep, and Severus was so tight. It felt incredible, better then any girl he had fucked.
His breath caught in his chest, unsure what exactly was happening. He looked to Severus, trying to gain some bearings.
Severus had his eyes closed as he rocked back on Sirius’ prick, his hand stroking his own aching cock.
Images of a much younger Severus flashed before his mind. Memory after memory hit him, like a ton of bricks. There was Severus glaring at James and him, James and him throwing jinxes at Severus as he walked in the hall, and pulling pranks, just to get a good laugh.
And it didn’t stop there. He remembered James and Lily, sacrificing their lives for Harry, the war, the pain of Azkaban and the years he spent there, Remus, oh god, Remus. His heart ached at the loss he hadn’t felt before. The battle in the Department of Mysteries, his evil cousin Bellatrix, he remembered dying. He remembered everything.
His face felt wet and he wiped at his cheek finding tears. He was crying. Sirius looked at Severus who was none the wiser. Oh God, what the fuck was he doing?!
“Get off me!” He screamed pushing Severus off of him, the man taken off guard falling over.
“Black, what the bloody hell—”
Sirius got to his feet, running a hand through his hair. What the fuck? Snape?! Snape had used him. He had tricked him. Snape had said they were lovers and he had believed him. He had been so gullible. He had thought he was in love with the man!
“You!” Sirius barked pointing an angry finger at Snape. “You! I can’t even—You…”
Snape stared, shocked at Sirius’ outburst and the sudden change in him. “Black, what are you talking about?”
“I remember!” Sirius screamed. “I remember everything! And you! You tricked me, you sick bastard! You—you made me gay!”
He searched for his wand, spotting on the bed and making a grab for it, but Snape was faster. He pointed it at Sirius.
“I did no such thing.”
“Bollocks! You tricked me, why else would I…?” He waved his arm between the two of them. God, he had been such a fucking fool!
Something flashed in Snape’s eyes, but was gone before Sirius could place it. He got up off the bed and began to gather his clothes.
“What are you doing?” Sirius snapped.
“I’m leaving,” Snape replied. “Since it is obvious that my services are no longer needed.”
“Oh you’re not going anywhere! Explain to me why you did this!”
Snape stood up after he picked up his trousers. He looked at Sirius, and schooled his features into place.
“You’re right, I tricked you.” He said. “I used you for my own pleasure and was ready to toss you aside when you got your memory back.”
Something about Snape’s words didn’t seem right. They were off, and Sirius found them hard to believe.
“You’re lying.” He growled.
Snape let out a short, hard laugh. “Honestly, Black? Do you think I would have any other motive other than to make a fool of you?”
Sirius swallowed the words stinging more than they should. It was then he knew he was in trouble. He was in love with Severus fucking Snape.
“Get out,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. “Get out!”
Snape stared for a moment before he quickly gathered the rest of his clothes, and quickly pulled them on. He tossed the wand onto the bed and left without another word.
Sirius tried to calm himself down, but only made himself angrier. How could he have been so damn gullible? How had he allowed himself to fall in love with Snape?
He snatched the wand off the bed and pointed it at it, casting an expulso, causing bed springs and stuffing to fly everywhere covering the room. It didn’t make him feel any better. He then set the spell to everything in site.
He spent the rest of the day locked up in his room, lost in his thoughts. At some point he had gotten dressed and sat down on the floor at the end of his bed. This was where Harry found him hours later.
“Sirius?” Harry knocked on the door and slowly opened it. He frowned when he saw the large mess in the room. “What happened in here? Where’s Severus?”
“Gone,” Sirius said bitterly.
“He just left you here alone?!” Harry asked appalled.
“Oh stop it,” Sirius snapped, and almost regretted it, he shouldn’t be taking out his anger and hurt on Harry.
“Sirius, what’s wrong?”
Sirius glared at the floor. “I got my memory back, Harry.”
“What? Really? But, Sirius that’s great news!” Harry sounded so ecstatic. Sirius wanted to send a nasty jinx his way.
“Fantastic,” he replied bitterly instead.
“Sirius? Sirius, why aren’t you happy?” Harry asked.
The question reminded him of Snape. How they had kissed, how they had touched. How Snape had made him feel. He wondered if he should tell Harry. Harry had been quite protective of him, he wondered if he still would be.
“Snape played me, Harry.” Sirius turned to Harry, surprised by how much hurt came out in his voice.
“He what?” Harry asked.
“Played me. He tricked me, Harry.” Sirius had to look away. “He had told me we had been lovers, and like a fool I believed him.”
“He told you what!?” Harry cried out angrily.
Sirius continued. “You shouldn’t have left me alone with him Harry. I always told you never to trust him.”
Harry was seething with anger. He pulled out his wand. “I’m going to kill him.”
Sirius got to his feet. “No, no you’re not. If anyone has the right to kill him, it’d be me.”
“He hurt you Sirius!”
Was it really that obvious? “I’m not hurt, Harry.” Sirius lied, he could tell Harry didn’t believe him. “Don’t worry about me, Harry. I’ll be fine. I can take care of myself now.”
“Sirius, I’m so sorry,” Harry said, crossing the distance to hug Sirius. “I should have allowed you to be more independent.”
Yes, Sirius agreed, but kept his response to himself.
That night, Sirius had to sleep in one of the extra rooms. He laid there in bed, unable to stop thinking long enough to sleep. He was still beyond angry with Snape. But at the same time, he was still regrettably in love with the man. The way he had reacted probably hadn’t been the best way to handle things. But action first, questions later had always been his course of action.
He couldn’t stop thinking about how Snape had reacted himself. He had looked hurt, despite trying to school his features; Sirius had seen it first hand. He couldn’t help but wonder what Snape really felt. Maybe he really had done all of this as a revenge towards Sirius, and in the process, had fallen in deep.
Sirius snorted. No, not Snape, he was still the greasy bastard that he had always known.
Only he wasn’t. The time Sirius had spent with Snape had allowed him to get to know the man. He had respected Snape because Snape had given him respect in return. He was the only one who would answer Sirius’ questions, even if he had lied; he was still willing to do it.
He had also made Sirius laugh, smile, and god, had he turned Sirius on something fierce. Despite everything, Sirius knew he still wanted Snape. He thought about how Snape had responded to him, how eager he had been and how horny he would get when Sirius had played the innocent virgin.
He smiled despite himself, but it quickly turned to a frown. He had fucked things up. But he wanted Snape.
He finally managed to fall asleep, his mind made up. He would get what he wanted.
~*~
Severus paced in his room at the Leaky Cauldron, crossing back and forth the small room, as he tried to escape his thoughts with little luck.
He crossed the room again, and with a sigh, he sat down in the old rickety chair against the wall. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward to hide his face in his shame. His stomach was heavy, and he felt nauseous. He wished it was possible to just vomit up all his mistakes.
He had fled out of Grimmauld Place as quickly as he could, leaving Black there angry and obviously hurt. He had returned to his room at the Leaky Cauldron and hadn’t left the room since. He hadn’t slept or eaten, neither one of the ideas appealing to him.
He had been so incredibly naive. It had been one thing to think that he could toy with Black’s heart, to pull at his strings and see just how far he could push it with the man. But for him to believe that he could do all of that and come out completely unscathed was ludicrous.
He knew he had fallen for Black weeks ago, and he knew he should have put a stop to it the moment he realized he was in too deep. He knew Black would eventually get his memory back and recognize Severus, and then everything would just fall apart. But for reasons unknown, he had just held onto the hope that it would have happened much, much later.
And loathe as he was to admit it, he had tricked himself into thinking, hoping, that when Black got his memory back, that nothing would change. Black wouldn’t get angry, and instead would keep that same psychological mentality, so eager for Severus’ direction, so willing to believe everything Severus said.
He felt he had tricked himself more than he had tricked Black.
He should never have agreed to this for Potter. And when his petty revenge for Black had backfired, he shouldn’t have pushed it to see how far he could take it. He should have known, from the first time Black looked at him with such trust in his eyes, that this would go belly up.
He'd always belonged to anyone who dared put their trust in him. First there had been Lily, then there had been the Dark Lord, and when that had resulted in the loss of a friend he had finally gone to Albus. And, now, it seemed, he'd done the same with Black. But, the difference this time was that his heart had been on the line.
Severus scoffed, rather bitterly. Since when did his heart dictate his actions? He thought of Black's eyes, so dark with lust, and he knew. It was the moment he'd taken the man to bed the first time. That was when it had all fallen apart. The sex was... well, it was nice, more than nice, even. But, no, it was the way Black had looked at him.
Black had had no idea what they'd been through. He hadn’t known that Severus was a cantankerous old bastard. Here was this man who'd made his life a living hell when they where in school, but suddenly he was different, and had no reason to hate Severus. And Severus had taken that all in, enjoying the companionship, enjoying the trust.
He had told himself it had all been about the sex, but he knew better now. Falling in love, that's what they'd been doing. He'd fallen for Sirius Black.
He thought about the way Black had reacted when his memories had returned. There had been anger, anger so hot it burned. But, at the same time, and maybe more prominent, there had been hurt raging through the other man. He had been hurting too, but he had gotten himself out of there before Black could notice
And now he was here, unable to stop thinking about the other man. His stomach was still so heavy and he still felt nauseous. He had to get over himself, because he knew there would never be a happy ending for him. There had never been a happy ending for him, and he had been a fool to think he could find one with Black.
Severus shook his head, and sat up in his chair. No, he didn’t deserve happiness. He had been telling himself that for years. And this act only verified the truth of it, he had sunken to Black’s level, getting revenge on a man that couldn’t understand what was really going on. This pain, this sickening heartbreak was what he deserved for tricking a man he loathed into loving him.
He had forgotten his place in this world, after all of Harry’s misdirected godly worship; he had begun to forget where he belonged. He took a look around the dingy musty room, this is where he belonged, and even this was too good for him. He should have it worse. He never should have agreed to be Black's caretaker. He never should have sought revenge. Worse, he should have realized his plan was failing.
He was a failure, plain and simple. He couldn't succeed in humiliating Black, and he hadn't succeeded in holding on to him. But, probably what aggravated him the most, was the fact that he still wanted the man. Even now, alone in his dark, drab room, knowing any chance they may have had was long gone, he still ached for Black. Severus knew he was a fool, but he'd never felt so accepted before. Black had, in only a short time, wormed his way into Severus' life, and now, Severus wasn't sure how he'd survive without the man.
It was odd, that one of the boys who'd caused him to feel like an outcast had been the first person to make him feel needed, wanted, and desired.
Severus shook his head. He had to stop thinking like this. He had to get over himself. Severus got to his feet, and headed for the small bathroom. Perhaps a shower would help him take his mind off things.
He started the water running and stripped out of his clothes. He checked the water temperature before stepping under the hot spray that lacked proper water pressure. Severus closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. Still, he was unable to get Black from his mind, and he doubted he’d ever be able to.
Severus soaked his hair and took the bottle of cheap shampoo and massaged it into his scalp, his eyes closing. His mind drifted back to the time Black and he had ended up in the shower together after a good round of sex. Black had insisted that they should clean themselves the natural way, and they had the time, so Severus had allowed Black to drag him to the bathroom.
‘Did we shower together often?’ Black had asked as he took a bar of soap and washed himself. ‘Did we ever fuck in the shower? Or were we strictly sex in bed only kind of people?’
Severus felt himself get hard at the memory, just as he had on that day in the shower with Black.
‘Oh?’ Black had smirked. ‘You like the idea of fucking in the shower, Severus? Want to remind me how we did it?’
Severus leaned his head back to allow the water to wash out the shampoo, one hand sliding down his sudsy chest and finding his cock erect. He slowly stroked up the length as he remembered taking the soap from Black’s hand and dropping it to the shower floor before taking his mouth in a kiss.
His hand on his cock picked up pace. He had kissed Black and then had abruptly turned around leaning against the shower wall, his ass pressed out to Black for the taking. He had moaned as Black ran his hands along the curve of his arse, still so open from their fucking only minutes ago.
‘Is this how we did it in the shower?’ Black had asked. ‘You, like this, bent over for my cock?’
Severus moaned as he pulled at his cock, pre-come forming at the tip and then washed away by the spray of the water.
‘Did I just stick it in without any lube? How did we do this Severus, remind me.’
Severus bit his lip, holding back the grunt that wanted to escape. He remembered how Black had shoved his cock in, the water creating a hard friction that Severus had marveled in. Black had seemed to love it too and it wasn’t long before Black had cried out, coming in Severus’ arse for a second time that day.
‘That was fantastic, Severus. I wish I could remember all the other times…’
Severus threw his head back and let out a low moan escape him as he the memory of Black’s words sent him over the edge. And the low pressure of the water eventually washed it away.
Fuck, what had he just done? He shut the water off, not caring that he hadn’t quite finished his shower, and stepped out. He grabbed a towel and quickly dried himself off.
He shouldn’t still be thinking about Black like that. It was over between them, and the sooner he accepted that, the sooner he could get Black out of his mind and go on with his life. Without wanking.
He went back into the room, finding some fresh clothes and pulling them on. He had just finished buttoning his shirt and was pulling on some robes when there was a knock at his door.
He glared and crossed the room, ready to tell room service to get out of his sight and not disturb him. But he stopped short when he opened the door.
Black stood there, looking uncertain. He tried to smile, but it didn’t look right.
“Black,” Severus couldn’t quite believe it. “What are you doing here?”
“I made Harry tell me where you were staying.” Black explained. “Can I come in?”
For a moment, he thought he’d say no, sure Black would just hex him for what he had done and then leave. But he was still a fool. Severus stepped aside, to allow Black entrance.
Black came into the room and Severus closed the door behind him. They turned to face one another, neither one speaking.
“Look,” Black said finally breaking the silence. “I’m still pissed at you, and I still want to hex you into hell.”
Severus raised an eyebrow, watching to see if Black would go for his wand.
“But… But I don’t know. You did something. And now I can’t stop thinking about how I should hate you, but I don’t.”
Severus was shocked, and almost hopeful. Was Black saying what he thought he was saying?
“And, well,” Black rolled his eyes. “Maybe I over reacted a bit.”
A perfect Gryffindor apology, Severus observed.
“But it was really hard, Sever—Snape.” Black corrected himself. “All these memories came rushing back, and I was so overwhelmed.”
He looked at Severus expectantly, waiting.
Severus took a deep breath. “It’s over Black; you’ve got your memory back.” He said bitterly, not daring to hope. “There’s no need for this.”
Black looked at him, and Severus couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Without warning, Black crossed the distance between them and got dangerously close to Severus’ face.
“You liked it, didn’t you?”
“Liked what?” Severus asked, more breathless than he should be.
“You liked that I couldn’t remember.” It came out more as a question.
“I assure you, Black I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Severus said, but his heart was racing in his chest. He told himself it was because Black was so close.
“You did.” Black confirmed. “You loved that I couldn’t remember. But it was more than just having a laugh about it behind my back, wasn’t it?”
The corner of Black’s lip turned up into a devilish smirk. “You got off on it, Severus.”
Severus swallowed. He was nervous, but he wasn’t going to show Black that.
“You loved how I couldn’t remember. And you got off on it. You would get so turned on every time I’d ask a question about our past nonexistent sex life.”
“I did not.” Severus snapped, but it lacked any venom.
Black just shook his head, laughing. “Oh you so did. You have some weird amnesia kink and get off fucking someone without a memory.”
Black was suddenly out of Severus’ face and crossing the room. “By no means will we have a perfect relationship, Severus.” He said. “But fuck it all if I’m not going to try.”
Severus couldn’t believe it. No way was Black actually willing to… No, it was impossible. He tried to think of how to reply, but Black made that unnecessary.
The man crossed the room and stopped in front of Severus. He looked at Severus confused, but there was that evil glint in his eye that Severus knew only ever ment trouble.
“Excuse me, Sir.” Black said. “I fell and hit my head, and now I don’t know where I am. Can you help me?”
Severus quickly became confused himself.
For a moment, Black lost character, but quickly regained it. “And sir, do you think you could help me with this?” He pointed to his crotch, and when Severus looked down he was surprised to see it was beginning to tent.
“You see, it hurts something awful, but I don’t know what to do about it. Since I lost my memory and everything.”
Blood rushed to Severus’ groin as he picked up on Black’s game. Overwhelmed with lust, he grabbed the front of Black’s robes and pulled him to a kiss.
Black’s arms wrapped around Severus’ neck and they pulled one another closer. Severus’ hardening cock was pressing against Black’s thigh, and in return he could feel the man’s own hard cock pressing against his.
They pulled apart both breathless.
Black smirked, “Oh you most definitely have an amnesia kink.” He whispered smugly.
“Shut up, Black.” Severus growled silencing him with another kiss.
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